De cateva zil…

 

De cateva zile ma scol rugandu-ma. Ma trezesc si realizez ca ma rog, si nu dorm. Ma uit la ceas si uneori e 6 sau 5 sau chiar si 4. Sunt treaza constienta si continui sa ma rog. E complet inexplicabil si nici nu ma chinui sa gasesc teorii pentru minti luminate. E cert ca Dumnezeu imi scoala sufletul in fiecare zi si inainte ca mintea mea sa se trezeasca el vorbeste cu Batranul. E un sentiment fain. Realizezi ca nimic nu depinde de eforturile tale omenesti si de mintea ta prea rationala. Deep calling unto  deep. 

E fain.

 

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bah bah bah

A glass of water, fake coffee, black tea and now real coffee. That’s my drug input for the last 4 hours. Today is the first day this month that I have nothing to do until later. And it is scary to find yourself doing nothing. CAuse you don.t really do nothing, do you? There’s so much heavy thinking going on all around those brain cells. It might go kaaaabum anytime now.

SO nothing to do till later, when I.m gonna go send off another very close friend of mine to the very ends of the Earth. When has Indonesia become so popular? She´s got herself all worked out around this guy and of course – can.t stay away.

I hate it. PERIOD. This Exodus of friends this year is so saddening! Might sound like too much sniveling coming from this side of the keyboard BUT I haven.t shed a tear yet. Which is alarming! I was so afraid to get to this point but here I am. I guess its a cycle. I.m emotionally incapable of showing or expressing any sort of state that I might find myself in. Some people space out, out of free will, to me it happens naturally and can.t fight it.

By God.s grace I think its perfect timing! I.m going away for 2 weeks in an Alps Tour with a bunch of family friends. Gonna breath extra fresh air everyday. I.m gonna sleep in a tent and pray to God I catch at least a storm while doing that. I.m gonna swim in the ocean at some point and then bask in the sun on the French Shore, no phone, no internet. Its gonna be God all over the place. My shell shall crack! I need to hear from him so bad these days.

I don.t have a clue how on Earth I got caught up  in this Rat Cage, again. But the door is open. I can get out, the irony of it is that I.m so used to these walls..

Alive

 

Thats true my friends. I am alive. Tho a very good friend of mine, while visiting me briefly tonight, would strongly disagree with that. What happened? Got bitten by some creatures two days ago while I was walking barefooted through the grass, and it started…how should I put it…expaaaanding.. just like the Universe. Oh me oh my! So I guess if I.ve ever been unthankful (which I have) for my 2 faty feet, I take it back. Its only bad when you can.t find ANY shoe to fit you! State which I may call current.

As funny as it may apear to some, trust me, there’s nothing fun about it. Not when it hurts and itches at the same time, and when ur fever goes up and down from 38 – 39. I think that is my main reason I opened my blog after 7 months? Mental!

But I.m happy. I truly am…and I.m seriously thinking if I should blog about my spring of happiness or not. I ask you Jorj, my russian, since u’re the only one who knew me from the start and only one who reads and cares about these posts. Tell me..should I open a new account for my newness, since its so completely different, or should I keep it for the sake of confusing people? I feel strong about starting anew, and this time actually really put more thought into it.

 

Life is sweet. Indeed. Bitter-sweet.

hahaha

si inc-un ha!

si uite asa ca au mai trecut luni si luni de zile de la ultima postare. Trebuie sa recunosc, mi-a fost asa o groaza sa ma mai loghez. Sa mai scriu. Am hotarat sa nu mi mai arunc pelinul pe www.  … m.am hotarat pana si sa nu mai am pelin .. dar eh… vreau sa scot ceva bun din mine, daca e ceva bun ramas, iar daca nu…nu…

 

cel mai probabil o sa scriu despre cartile pe care le citesc si am sa le citesc …. e motivant si pentru mine si poate si pentru victimele frandreei…

oh well… vanity – all is vanity – Under the Sun… but Above it? I.m gonna rise above!

terminand cum am inceput….

haha! chhhhhh……..

lame.lame.lame.

lame.lame.lame.LAME.

atata pot scoate de fiecare data cand deschid blogul si incerc sa postez. vreau sa dau afara din mine. vreau sa urlu. sa le spurc pe toate. sa le vomit. si nu pot. constiinta ma baneaza de fiecare data, sau poate doar incapacitatea de a ma exprima si regasi.

faptul ca am plecat din tara nu are de a face cu suspendarea mea in non-sens. eram la mama naibii si acasa. poate ca am sperat ca in alt mediu, structura mea o sa prinda radacini. speranta asta, te poarta peste tot si te testeaza. pacat ca.i goala.

invat ebraica inloc de germana. alt paradox. dar e alegerea mea. probabil natura mea e sa aleg toate aberatiile in locul celor de bun simt. crap. again and again.

daca n’ar fi soare, si verde crud si cer albastru probabil ca n’as fi.

aberez aberatii

O fi si de viata asta ceva, dar nu stiu ce! Kein anung! Nici nu mi-am dat seama daca viata e moody sau suntem doar noi cu toate toanele aderente. Azi ti-e bine stai si te uiti la fetele celorlalti si te chinui sa vezi ceva “dincolo de ele” si te simti frustrat ca e gol…altele in care efectiv…nu’ti’ar pasa si sa vezi un om cu crize epileptice langa tine. Nu si nu!

Ce mizerie! De om sau viata..nu stiu..nu mi’am dat seama. Ce stiu e ca imi place sa merg cu trenu de numa numa….sa am senzatia aia ca ma duc undeva…ca am o tinta…un scop la care sa ajung. Sa ma intalnesc cu oameni zambitori in compartiment si sa rupem fraze stangace. Sa imi pun si castile in urechi si sa ascult Needtobreath si sa simt ca totusi am lasat ceva in Cluj…Sa vad cum se pune zapada pe acoperisul casutelor de turta dulce si totul sa fie decupat dintr-un basm de Anderson.

Si nu stiu nici de ce e asa haotic cand cobori din tren. Puzderie de oameni trag dupa ei ditai valizele si se imbrancesc spre iesire si apoi intrare si apoi o alta iesire si alte zeci de intrari..se imbrancesc…si deja ii vezi mai chinuiti .. pe strada…in statii…e omul cu toane…sau viata…sau trenul?

eh….am si eu o precupare…sa pun intrebari stupide .