Chameleoning

If this is even a word, it.s rather irrelevant. The point being – that.s me. I haven.t been around the blog for long. Once last year, a few times the year before, and today I was simply curious to see if I did shut the blog down or not at some point in time (because I do remember wanting so badly to do it). Surprise-surprise! … I didn.t.
So I started scrolling down, and reading. Smiling. Raising eyebrows. Thinking did I write that? Remembering. Anger. How stupid. Lame. Oh, that’s rather nice. OMG. I need to shut this down. I definitely need to make some posts invisible to the public. Not that many people know of its existence. If 5 people know, then it.s too much. But I doubt.
And then it occurred to me. I am chameleoning – to such an extent, that even I can’t recognize myself. I really get scared when I see something from a while ago, and I feel nothing towards it but repulsion. Why? It’s still me after all. Lets reason. A younger myself. Just as frightened and brave, just as curious and terrified, just as determined to find the Truth, just as empty, just as silly, just as dreamy, just as determined as ever to save the world, to discover myself, discover the world. And if it’s true, that I really want to discover myself, why do I get so much repulsion when I look back at honest writings of my own. Hey that.s me. I might have forgotten it. But its me. So here you go Andrea, you are discovering yourself. And “frandrea” does a great job at helping you remember. The death of Manu, your car accident, graduating, moving to Austria, the first time you thought love could be real, finding an awesome bunch of friends, searching for God – or versions of God, starting programming, learning German, wanting to move to Finland, still wanting to save the world, getting your first job in IT, getting into masters after being rejected the first year – girl you were so brave to apply again!, making friends at work as well, experiencing loss once again, finding absolutely disturbing truths about people that would not let you sleep for months at a row, meeting your new class mates. Fascinating! Once again, there was something new to explore, and you loved it girl! You love beginnings. Then you sorta quit YAG, going to church, you were this close to get into how many relationships this year 3-4? Good job for not giving in, seriously… you already know that love exists, why settle for less? Buried in school and work, realizing that “chilling” is not for you anymore, you decided to watch stand-up comedy on a daily basis, because you love to laugh. And laughing heals. You listen to music just as much, not as dark, but as heavy loaded with emotions and words that get to you, so your contemplating listening to word-less music, because music is like air to you. So you are still working on that. And you are going to learn Hebrew this summer! Girl, all those books you bought in the last 10 years will finally be used. And the guy teaching you is an overachiever, so you know in a few months you.ll be able to break some sentences. How long have you dreamt of doing that? And it.s happening. To you Andrea. To you. The same Andrea who was cutting her hair in 2012 because she couldn.t handle the unknown. the missing. dafuq do I care moments? The same Andrea who was sitting on Danube feeling crushed she needs to find a place to stay, a job, and afraid her father would not recover from the heart attack in 2010. But he did, and you did, found a place to stay, found many jobs, felt better afterwards. Found God. Realized you hate religion, and you are still at a junction point where you don.t know how to combine the two or get rid of one, but you will do. Because you are trying, and you never gave up! When did you give up? You fought anxiety attacks through University without medication, you did! You overcame. And they never happened again. You got rid of insomnia. You haven’t had a session for over a year! You didn.t have to go though the hernia operation because the muscle sorta closed up. You overcame! All that. And you know it.s the spirit that gives life who walked you through all of this. The point being. You did, with help. You did. Your pretty damn resilient girl. And as many fears as you might feel right now, and repulsion towards the past. Don.t! Embrace it, as broken and full of grays and blacks and shades of light. Embrace it, because it.s you. And girl you are beautiful! And strong. Absolutely nuts. You wanna save the world so you better stop looking down on you, cause’ girl, there are some untold stories frandrea should know of. And others too. So don.t delete posts anymore. And whenever you get some small panic attack regarding your sense of unworthiness, read this. Cause tonight your brain did a great job at chameleoning, tricking you into writing this from an outside perspective, and damn is good. And damn girl you are such a chameleon.

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